"if you use your heart too much you won't survive."

this feelings haunts me again, been bothered since the last 6 days
the feelings of never good enough, and forgotten, and insecure and anxious.

like, why did i tried really hard to hold on to the past memories, like my old school friends and best friends, after all i expect too much, yeah right i'm that naive.
hah, i feel such a fool for expecting too high, like that i will alway be remembered all the time, or being talked to, or being important to them,lol who do i think i am.
cause you know, i was so close with them, and when i'm gone a lot people were crying and sad, it made me expect too much like they will never forget me, or they will always think about me and my feelings or people will be happy to hear from me, or miss me,haha god,i'm really such a big fool aren't i?
oh, ofcourse, time changes everything right? sooner or later i'll be forgotten, like "she's just somebody we used to know, and she's not here anymore", and that's right, i will just forget indonesia, and its people, and my old school cause it cost me a lot of pain, holding on something thats is fading away, its like trying to hold on to water no matter how careful or hard you hold, the water will spill out then gone.
after all, i will be living in this stupid fucking country anyway, reality is cruel. there's no place for this lame feelings, like love, loneliness , i know i will feel lonely a lot from now on, but whatever i will survive, i still have my family after all. so yeah, if you use your heart too much you won't survive.

i'm currently in a bad mood right now,
well, if you have friends to laugh with, cherish every moment with them, cause you're lucky.