3 days .

hello there, i currently set this blog to private but i will open this to public again soon
so me and my ex who is now my lover without a status is having a rough times, i'm still trying to make him happy with all my best though cause i love him so much and he love me so much too
but i think i have to let him go..

we are going to have a 3 days break from each other he is going to go a school event and he's not allowed to bring phone, i will take those times to refresh my brain and remain my self how its like to lose him at all from my life, i will survive and he will too i hope :"(

Emeli sande - Maybe

                                                         " MAYBE "

When we first moved in together
Couldn't keep hands off each other
Now we're lying back to back
And silence in the black
We used to laugh until we cried
You would look at me and smile
Now we hardly say hello
And feelings never show

All the signs seem to say love is lost
I don't want to give up yet because

Maybe you could stay a bit longer
Or I could try a bit harder
We could make it work
But maybe, we should stop pretending
We both know we're hurting
Maybe it's time to go

We broke up last Sunday night
Keep on thinking 'bout the fight
Rest my head against the wall
Your bags are by the door
Then your key turns in the lock
I see you on the stairs and stop
Have you had a change of heart
Can we go back to the start?

But all the signs seem to say love is lost
I don't want to give up yet because

Maybe you could stay a bit longer
Or I could try a bit harder
We could make it work
But maybe, we should stop pretending
We both know we're hurting
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go go
Maybe it's time to go go
Maybe it's time to go
But I just don't know

'Cause maybe you could stay a bit longer
Or I could try a bit harder
We could make it work
But maybe, we should stop pretending
We both know we're hurting
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go.

this song, i don't know what should i say, did emeli sande made this for me or what  :"< even the "When we first moved in together

Couldn't keep hands off each other
Now we're lying back to back
And silence in the black
We used to laugh until we cried
You would look at me and smile
Now we hardly say hello
And feelings never show " part doesnt suit the situation now, the rest of the lyric really described  my feelings. 

shattered

16:56 pm


yesterday me and him broke up. it was frustrating, i've been depressed since a few days ago that i lost 3 kg.
good news i lost my appetite i hope i will keep losing weight,crazy i know.
before we broke up i saw he tweeted "we are not match anymore" at that point i feel someone punched my chest so hard that it hurts to breath , all i feel is pain.
so  i talked to him and he said that he can't stand to be this way, we had a few problems that keep repeating, maybe he's sick of it and he can't deal with it anymore, and so am i. its hurting both of us
so i told him to lets just break up.
then the next 5-6 hours we deep talked, weirdly our conversation is way better than before. but it really really really hurt so bad and i can't take it anymore im really tired and exhausted to constantly feel in pain
i've decided to just let go but its really hard because i know no matter how many times i told my self that i've lost the feelings that its gonna be okay, the truth is i still madly deeply unconditionally in love with him.
i don't know why people called it a broken heart while it feels like every part of me is breaking too.

after a few talk he said

"but , i don't wanna lose you. i don't want anyone else i only want you :"( "
"you know i still do really love you so much ma :( "
"but can you promise me something?"
"will you still wanna be my wife? "

damn. how am i supposed to say, how am i supposed to do, it really drive me insane :(
he keep telling me that he can't lose me that he can't let me go
so he decided to be in a un official relationship, like more than a friend less than a relationship
it hurts.
like effin hell.
but i can't say no cause my heart is still all his.
this past 2 days after we broke up he became really really nice and sweet, he keep telling me that he love me so much.
my heart is still breaking right now, i feel dead
i told him im gonna be really really busy and its gonna be really hard being with me with this unknown relationship at first he was like upset and he said "well, i don't know"
and so i said , i have let go of my sellfishness and ego, im 100% sure i want him to be happy even if his happiness is not me anymore even if being happy means without me in his life, and maybe when he find another girl who is 100 percent better than me, i will let him go, im still not sure i will be happy tho, and if he can't stand with me if its hurting him its okay to be just friend, im really sure about that cause i am strong and i will be completely happy for him, something he didnt know is that im crying really hard while typing those words.

he said, "well...its okay, you're smart i know you will pass the test and i will get tru this"
"you know ma, i just wanna be with you"

have you ever felt that muhammad ali is beating you brutally and you feel that you are dying but when you look at the mirror, you are completely fine? well thats how i feel.

i was really happy, i thanked him for loving me that much.
i'm just in a big confusion should i really continue this.. with this un labeled relationship cause even tho we love each other, he is not mine anymore and im not his anymore.
until now me and him still talks like a couple , but somehow deep inside despite the love and happy feeling, all i feel is pain,and fears and shattered heart.

i think to my self, how if oneday he will wake up and fall out of love with me and just leave me alone while im still fooly in love with him? its gonna be me alone hurting.
i act all happy to hide the pain i feel inside, i can't deal with this all anymore, i really wanna feel numb no feelings.
what should i do i really am too in love to let go but too tired to hold on.
man, im screwed. i love him i love him so much but its really really hurting me :"(
lol even now i'm still crying like a baby while typing this.

Almost

21:03 pm


today ,i almost lose the most important person in my life.
we had a huge fight well its not actually a fight cause im not mad at him and i don't make any argument and it was all cause of my fool mistakes, i should've more concerned of his feelings but i don't, and it was too late i let him down again. but how could i know when i have no clue at all, i soon realized when it was too late and he's already upset and dissapointed with me. i was down and hate my self cause i swear i swear to my dearest god that i've done my very best i've done everything that i could to make him happy, to make him proud to have me, cause i love him so much and he's the best thing i've ever had and it hurts so fucking much.  i did everything to calm him down, i said everything, no lies, and gladly cause i keep my ego to my self and stay patience i didn't lose him and i win his heart back, i couldnt feel happier than this like really, my days have been like the worst i cannot afford a huge ass pain of losing my biggest happiness.


i think next week specifically next saturday my shcools going to give my report card , fuck.
i can't stand seeing 0 in my report card..and failed.. i think im going to kill my self,..
well not really 0 but i did really freakin bad in the exam i told you i'm stupid at math and almost all the exam is basically math in the hell of different levels. im screwed.
i just can't deal with this anymore... i had tons of privates lessons but it seems not working what is wrong with me. but i can't fool my self i know its because i never make revision at home and did not study hard and lazy ass procrastinator.. damn ma. you should be studying right now, no wonder you're failing-_-
i promise to everything i love i will do better in the 2nd terms, i promise! :"D

next sunday im going to have english exam, my favorite <3 alhamdulilah i love english subject and i enjoy english exam, the only subject i put my hopes on  :"")
wish me luck who ever reading this,and thanks for wasting your precious time to read this nonsense blog of mine, i love you! :D



bonne nuit,
xoxo

Thankyou :)

15:07 pm

dear izzatun, thankyou for (this) awesome post, it really do made my day A little brighter , you know.. i just feel a person like me don't deserve a person like you, i'm sorry you really should not love me that much even though i wanted it so bad cause you are after all one of my bestest friend, Zillion thanks for always trying that hard to make me happy, to be an important part of my screwed up life , like seriously thankyou so damn much i really really appreciate it :)

I'm sorry, for the stresses and worries ,and for the insecurity or self hate you have sometimes, you really shouldnt feel that way, you're blessed :)
and i swear to all i believe in that you are really beautiful and talented. be thankful cause you have almost all i ever wanted in life.

have a nice day
love,

HAPPY (LATE) NEW YEAR!

19:05 pm

i'll make this quick cause im in a rush right now its probably 10 minutes till my private teacher come 

,my new year eve was lame like seriously even my grandpa's funeral was way more something than this. can you imagine? exactly.

life has been A big piece of shit. depression and insecurity eat me alive,everday.

i think i failed at algebra exam, cause you know i'm stupid at math or numbers or subject that contains large numbers and rules.

it is the first time in my life i did not answer a single fucking question with my brain, i was so hopeless that i stared at my question page for 45 minutes and didnt now any single thing. like "dafuqisthisfuckery"

in france exam, i cried lol.

yea life is kind of fucking hard like really. i'd feel happy to jump of a clif and die and be free but i can't cause i'll go instantly to hell.

i lost all my optimis power and spirits. the only happy moment i get is when i talked to denny, my love.

he's the only legit reason i've survived this far, god thankyou for such a blessing :"), and i eat like a pig like every single food in the kitchen,make sense i gain weight but thats okay i'll loose it all on the upcoming holiday inshaAllah*cheers*, and i feel homesick..i miss my besties, afifah nuha dania like seriously so bad :"((((((((, the exam will end on 20th january, hope i'll make it good :""")

but hey, they said its just a bad day, not a bad life, right?? well lets see, i'm still leaning to His side though i know god will never give me something i can't handle, i trust Him

bonne nuit peeps,

xoxo