do you know how it feels to be tortured by your own mind?

17:13 pm


i was alone in the class cause its about 15 minutes left until school is over and everyone was outside the class probably chatting around or having fun and tomorrow is the last day of exercise tests for the upcoming midterm exam and most of the student is going to be absent to do intensive study at home or at their privates lesson until 25th december.,
i hate outside,so i decided to sat in the class by my self with my thought and feeling stupid cause i can't do almost all exam except english...yep i'm that stupid..i hate math ..it was hell mistake to make me in science class...and you know..that few moment of life when you completely feeling fail as a student, as a daughter, as a girlfriend or simply as a human being, you start to worry about future about grades..about parents..and the worst feeling human can ever feel punch you really hard. you start to get insecure, hate everything about your self, your life. feeling completely miserable ,stupid and alone
i decided to wait outside to remove all those evil thoughts, i sat in the stair at the ground near the school exit door with a few kids sitting there with me, as a foreign student i got all this attention from the school people, they asked my name, did i can speak arabic or not, and got very excited when i say a word or 2 in arabic language. the kids did asked the same question that everyone has been asking me since the day i came  to school."whats your name? how old are you? are you chineese?".

then a half hour passed, and suddenly miram (my friend) came and sit beside me, we talked about deep stuff and the sweetest things she said was

          " you know imma? you make this year the best year of my life , i feel so happy you're the best thing that has ever happened in my life, i know everyone been saying this to you but really you are really really sweet and friendly and cute and lovely you really do have a kind heart i'm amazed, i know now why everyone wants to be your friend ,i'm gonna miss you so much *smile*  "

i sighed and smiled, and thanked her for those sweet things, she is gonna be absent until maybe 25 december, and until i came home i forgot all my insecurity and mentally self tortured things. for once i forgot all the problems i have, i forgot that the fact i'm not smart, i forgot the fact i eat much and gain weight and others. but then i checked my sisters bbm and felt really upset cause her bbm broken.. fuck. i got panicked, how will i contact him? he must be worried or been waiting my greetings, so i checked twitter and..
i was wrong. i was over my head to think he's gonna be worry about me or been waiting my greetings, he's doing fine, he did not send me any dm or tweet or anything. not even a word then i realize maybe he came back to our break deals, he need a time off from me. then those thoughts came back.
but i tried not to care. i tried really hard,cause im exhausted and sick being tortured by my own mind, and i say to my self  'its gonna be okay, you can face this. you have god with you, you have your friend you are strong, if you wanna be smart you can study hard, if you wanna be skinny go on a diet and don't eat A lot , and do a fucking exercise ,you can, you are going to survive' i keep repeating this until now. its just a bad day that happens way too often. but man, i'm pretty blessed and i'll survive inshaAllah.
now im gonna do my arabic homeworks cause my private teacher is going to come in 2 hours.
god bless me, you and everyone.
amen.


bon apres midi peeps!


love,