BONSOIR

Hello people

so i moved to cairo, yes its like heaven on earth here, the school , the friends, the foods..
i moved to an apartment with my bro cause its like 5 minutes away from my school, and its awesome.
im studying now, i've got to study hard so i can pass the exam, i've been eating all day long fucccckkkk
im going back to mia idk i've been very happy but mia started to haunt me again :(

14 october 2013

hello beautiful people!


i'm sooo sooo happy right now, i couldn't help my self but smiling all day, im doing reaally good in studies, health and life alhamdulilah i'm really really grateful for all this blessing, i lost 4 kg, and IM SO EXITED ABOUT TOMORROW ASDFFGHKSLHAGHAKJSS i know i wouldn't sleep tonight :"D!!

i hope ya'all gonna have a good day, and god bless you


xoxoxoxoxoxoxo,

10 years

hello,

so yesterday i watched 10 years in my break time, it was a really good movie, staring my husband channing tatum and his wife, its about a highschool and college reunion after 10 years, there was a scene that touches me so much , its the scene when oscar isaac sang never had which is extremely good. i am now obsessed with the song btw.
the movie had me thinking what if 10 years from now we'll have a reunion , what have my friends become, what will i become? will i be somebody's wife in that time?, well i hope i'll be a happy and success person in that time :)

*this is the song*



its really good :D

have a nice day peeps,
xoxo,

study your ass out

hello there!

so im so excited i just talked with my dad tru skype cause he's currently back in indonesia, he said that the main reason we did not go to indo last summer was because i failed the first smester, failed in mechanics which i regret it so much cause i wasnt really concentrate in that exam, so now he said if i pass this last year  of highschool without any failure you know so i don't need to take summer exam remedial we can visit indo, so i've promised my self i'll study my ass out. no more procrastination and no more laziness. i need to pass this last year of highschool, i just have a big problem in physics and arabic and geo. because geo is in arabic, i suck at arabic so much you know i know nothing like ugh. i just hope i'll get a good teacher to help me. so now i'm going to call my friend and talk to her. i hope she know about the teacher. and i will need to start reading my last year bio book again. i hope this positive spirit will stay tru my hard time. i have an issues with my self esteem idk almost everyday i feel like a complete shit, friendless and lonely but now, i don't have time for that. i need to be focus on my studies. so have a nice day peeps  :)

xoxoxoxoxo,

dad and his sweet compliments.

hello there,

i recently started to cook again, so far i've baked 3 cakes 3 breads 2 tarts 2 pizza 3 cookies and sugar cookies and one caramel pudding and meringue cookies. i love cooking so much you know, its like you created something beautiful and delicious from the ingredients its like magic lol

and dad, always love my foods. he always say something really sweet and it makes me incredibly happy,one day i baked a red velvet cake, but it turns out  to be not so good, but he ate it anyway and he said it was delicious. how can you not happy. and when i was about to cool down my freshly baked sugar cookies dad come in and took a few cookies, as he took the cookies he stares at me and say, "ain't no body got time for cooling down this cookies" HAHAHA. and the other day i was washing the dishes when he suddenly came to me and asked me what i was doing, and i said i was washing, then he said  "just washing? i thought you were baking or cooking something *sigh*" then he walked away looking disappointed mahahaha so that night i made some cookies for him, and there are so much more when i make him a chili souce it turns out to delicious and he said "smart" and my uncle agreed and he added "that's my daughter" :")

and OH yesterday. i feel like it was the biggest compliment i've ever heard, he said he was hungry so i made him a noodle and meatballs, i made the soup with my own spices, i was not expecting any compliment that time cause its just my casual noodles. but when he ate it he look so surprise and stared at my enthusiast-ly and said "this is really good, the meatballs is really really delicious" mom made the meatballs* ,and he ate it again with the noodles and soup "OHMYGOD, this is really really delicious this makes me happy" he laughed and leaned back and did a cycling move with his legs lol, and when he finished the food he said "you know, shaima is really smart. her brain works really good she know how to balanced the taste perfectly, everything you make always turns out delicious ya."  and i laughed so hard cause i was happy when he added "don't be so happy, it was not a compliment i'm just stating a facts here" oh dad, how can i not love him. since he changed 4 months ago he became really nice funny and lovely just like a real dad, even tho sometimes his annoying side came but it did not last too long , he used to be this hard strict cruel and annoying man. you know i used to hate him like so much. but he changed drastically. i feel sooo blessed and happy. i hope it will last forever :")

xoxo.,

Oh god.

hello,

i recently in a quite horrible moods, that i hate everyone, except my bestfriends ofcourse, idk i became a sensitive ass girl , these days i've been talking with my ex, oh god..how i've missed him so much and he still bring that comfortable feelings when we talk :'(. and next monday the hell privates will start.somebody kill me.
and i ate like a tons of food wtf. guess i deserve some starves for a few days. *sigh*

nice day peeps.

whats new today?

Hello there!

I’m in a quite good mood right now, hope it will last longer though :}  , i just watched sex and the city, yea i know at first i thought it was basically porn lol, but i think its because im growing old now that i cried watching the movie cause its awesome, and brilliant the friendship the hurts the dramas, its just so good. U can skip the s part u know, i cried like 3 times and cried again cause i was really happy when mr.big was down on his knee proposing rachel, like seriously on his knee OMG THAT WAS REALLY SWEET he even said rachel ,my love OOOOHH MY GOD its really heartwarming! Sweet sweet movie :””)

And i realized something about my dad, its been more than 3 months that dad being really kind to me, i love him so much i feel so blessed having him as my father even i got annoyed easily when he’s on his man pms haha, i used to hate him, like so much i even wished mom will get a divorce just so i don’t have to face him anymore, because he’s really strict and small minded, he never even allowed me to go anywhere not even school activity and he hits me when i was younger he really hate the idea of me having a guy Friend. Yes a male friend. Not a boyfriend.  I just don’t understand and i hate him so much cause he makes me hate my life. After a huge heartbreak and emotionally abused by my relationship, i now know he was just protecting me, or atleast thats what i get. He just want the best for me and he love me. He even treated me like a princess sometimes. So i just throw everything that i used to do , most of all were a bad thing and i gave up on relationship, i will just wait for the perfect timing. With the perfect someone who will not only give me love, but his last name :D i know its still way too freakin early for me to think about that and it absolutely does not mean i wanna get married in a young age AHHAHAHA , its just my mindset for now on. Well summer is ending it gave me a really bad mood swing cause im just not ready to get back to that routines that rot my soul and happiness called school...

Well have a nice day peeps!

Xoxo,

feelings

hello there,

this post is gonna be a short one,
well these days has been an up and down for my feelings. i got let down a lot by the people i trust to be my "friends" and society.
i'm sick of being the good girl like seriously, its exhausting.
its not that i'm fake or smthg, i enjoy being good to people, tbh i love the feeling i get everytime i make others happy, by telling them nice thing or by being a simply good person,good listener,or a good friend.
but, recently this feelings has been long gone. people become extremely annoying, irritating and disappointing.
i'm tired to have to keep up with people expectations.i guess i'm gonna get a trust issue from now on
cause my point of view to people has changed. the way i see now everyone is the same. no matter what they said they'll end up hurting me by their own ways.
except for a few people i guess. like 3 of my bestfriend. if they let me down i'll just give up on people.
once again i say, if you have someone you know you can trust, keep them.seriously keep them close they are like a freakin unicorns and you're damn lucky.

have a nice day readers!

xoxo,

"if you use your heart too much you won't survive."

this feelings haunts me again, been bothered since the last 6 days
the feelings of never good enough, and forgotten, and insecure and anxious.

like, why did i tried really hard to hold on to the past memories, like my old school friends and best friends, after all i expect too much, yeah right i'm that naive.
hah, i feel such a fool for expecting too high, like that i will alway be remembered all the time, or being talked to, or being important to them,lol who do i think i am.
cause you know, i was so close with them, and when i'm gone a lot people were crying and sad, it made me expect too much like they will never forget me, or they will always think about me and my feelings or people will be happy to hear from me, or miss me,haha god,i'm really such a big fool aren't i?
oh, ofcourse, time changes everything right? sooner or later i'll be forgotten, like "she's just somebody we used to know, and she's not here anymore", and that's right, i will just forget indonesia, and its people, and my old school cause it cost me a lot of pain, holding on something thats is fading away, its like trying to hold on to water no matter how careful or hard you hold, the water will spill out then gone.
after all, i will be living in this stupid fucking country anyway, reality is cruel. there's no place for this lame feelings, like love, loneliness , i know i will feel lonely a lot from now on, but whatever i will survive, i still have my family after all. so yeah, if you use your heart too much you won't survive.

i'm currently in a bad mood right now,
well, if you have friends to laugh with, cherish every moment with them, cause you're lucky.

saturday

23:02 pm

hello there,

well how should i say it, it has been a quite nice day lately, i improved my drawing skill alhamdulilah i'm really happy and a little bit satisfied :')
but something has been bothering my mind...i don't know i just don't feel right somehow,i hate having unsolved problems :/
about my ex, i can't say that i'm 100 % over my ex, i guess i still have 30% remaining feelings, i know our relationship was not that healthy and beautiful in the last 3 months of our relationship before it ends, and we often suffer a lot, and it has more tears and pain , but i kinda miss him, i know i shouldn't,but thats doesn't mean i want him back,no.

i'm not regreting my decision for letting him go, afterall no matter what'll i do i'll end up hurting him,
 i just..feel strangely exhausted and pissed over some unknown reason 

and,i guess i just don't wanna be in love anymore for a quite long time, i don't wanna be attached, i want to set my heart free, until it really is time to love again. i already determine that since a long time ago honestly, cause falling in love in my age with my family condition is just playing with fire, it will end up hurting me and the other.

i really really hope the next person i'll be in love with is my soon to be husband someday in the future,it'll be a lot easier hahaah.
i've already made a new friend though , it was nice and refreshing talking with new people , i miss my bestfriends so much, and seeing my classmates graduation party is kinda pissing me off it makes me feel so gloomy and somehow left behind and forgotten :(

oh, btw tomorrow will be my youngest brother 7th birthday,excited for the cakes :D, and about my diet, well its still going and i currently weight 118 lbs now, 

i'm starting to sleep in the morning again, my bad habit is coming back, well...since i still have a plenty of time before school start i guess its not a really big deal...,right?..
but i'm having fun, being able to watch movies all night and allowed to wakes up late is just, happiness hahahah and the studies except math,hasn't started yet, so i will just cherish every moment of summer holiday :''}

well i really hope there will be more happiness in the future ,thanks for reading,happy holiday peeps :)

xoxo
-

plans

17:20 pm

hello readers,
well i guess my free and relaxing time is gonna be over soon cause i have to take summer class, for this month i'm taking mechanics math for the re do exam on july, its not that bad actually i still can wake up late atleast.
i'm starting my diet again cause right now im so out of shape, in my opinion though.
i'm currently 5'5 feet and weight 119 lbs. my goal is around 105 or 103 lbs so its still a long way to go.
and i've been planning on making an alphabet cookies... , with some royal icing cause its fun. lol i'm sorry diet.
AH! i watched hana yori dango and hana yori dango 2 , LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT DRAMA IS AWESOME OK. i cried, i laugh , i got mad, i got really happy, this drama is masterpiece, oustanding acting skill, nice chemistry. excellent story line, out of all the versions hana yori dango is the best version of meteor garden.

and about him, well its not that i don't love him anymore, i still do but i'm trying to keep my distance cause i was so naive to think we can still be friends after the complete break up, he never greet or talk to me again though, but its kinda okay now maybe i can erase the remaining feelings by this way.
i have a bitter sweet memories with him, he's a nice guy, really. but we are just not meant to be i guess
well, i'll start to be busy again. 3rd year will be a pain in the ass cause i need to have atleast 80% in arabic,let me tell u the arabic exam is a super fucking irrationally hard. even my uncle admit it. it will be a miracle if i pass to college hahahahah :") *desperate*, but.. i will do my best :D

happy summer holiday people, cheers !
xoxo,

summer

20:49 pm

hello readers,
so since i've cleared up my mind i decided to begin a new fresh start.
after being seperated for a quite while now i realize that i've made a right decision. its not love anymore when all you feel is pain and exhaustion, sometime no matter how beautiful it was when its no longer bring you butterflies and smiles you know its time to let go and you'll be completly fine.
at first i thought i was gonna die of frustation and now i laugh my self remembering how silly and over reacting i was. looking back at my old posts..im sorry its so full of dramas shhh -_-
now i see, i am still 17 and there are still a lot of things i need to take care of and i'll be so busy , and i am better off on my own. matter fact right now i can say that i'm loving my life quite much, i feel positive and relaxed. alhamdulilah i'm quite blessed :')
i've made a plan i want to be closer to God, and be more active in school and studies and future
OH i passed the 2nd smester without any fail :D and i done it all with my self i'm quite happy even the marks are not that high and i still need to redo my mechanics exam from 1st smester on month 7th ..
but that's okay from the result of 2nd smester i learned that when i have a strong will and do my best i can do it, someone precious once said "do your best ma, and god will do the rest" i believed that so much. and its true though .
this year i will not visit indonesia i think... its heartbreaking but well i think god has another plan for me and that's okay.
well i'm in my last year of high school omg i can't believe how time flies so fast... next june i will be in college......... i can't even.... i really hope i can go to art college since its fun and i'll be able to love the 4 Years of my soon university life atleast.
i'm doing really fine these days i'm happy. i hope this happy days will last longer :")

have a happy day and life readers, thanks for your time :D
xoxo

its over

today, after 2 years together i decided to end our relationship, we have been tru a lot of hard times and fights i just can't make him happy anymore, its breaking my heart in to two , i didn't let him go because i don't love him anymore , trust me i still do..a lot :"(

"i want you to be happy, and if its not with me that's fine,
                                       because
you're the only person i have loved enough to put before
my self, seeing you happy,makes me happy,and..
thats what love is, right?....."

Hello

*reminder this post is going to be a grammar crime*

hello dear readers (if i have one)

i've unprivate my blog. so...hello, im doing fine i guess,.. its been a quite hard times these days the final exam is coming and i'm not smart yet flash news im failing in france, u don't say.
like seriously how am i going to do france exam when i have 0% knowledge in france.
all blame the old witch for making my france private teacher quit cause of her shitty attitude.
i currently study my ass out, its a hell lot of lesson i've been neglacting and now im focusing on 6 lesson it makes me really busy, i think this blog is going to be neglacted too.

and yes, i can't let him go i can't lie to my self anymore i really really really do love him so much more than i could ever write or tell, not a single words could ever describe how much i love him.

"if only you knew how insanely in love i am with you
if only you knew the half of it. i could go insane with my amount
of love for you,in fact i think i already have" .

he gave me so much affection and care i'm used to it, i just am addicted to him,everything about him is just so beautiful it makes me gone crazy, oh dear.

so yesterday was my birthday, it was flat and dissapointing because, you know i have an extra high expectation cause of my really happy and successful 16th birthday. i was depressed and sad.
but thanks to denny, and afifah and nuha and dania i feel a little bit special, especially the gif fifah made, it seriously bring tears she's my best best friend for life i feel blessed i have her in my life. :")
and ofcourse i feel really blessed i have denny, a.k.a the most amazing man in my life.
ldr sucks,its hard really really hard.
we miss each other so much that it makes me more depressed cause i really wanna meet him but i can't if i don't pass some of the lesson :"""""""""""""""""( why can't i be smart..why...
i don't know what im gonna do with france cause i can't learn by my self france is a hard as hell language and i've 4 years late in france T_____T asdfghjkl
i've been such a mess these times, i hate my self i think im bipolar or something shhh
i just don't know, i'm now in my lowest point i feel depressed stressed and sad but i can't i need to keep going..oh god.
hm, thats all i think i need to continue my studying have fun peeps, god bless you.

school is coming

today i overeating, we (me,mom,bro,sis,uncle&uncles friend) went to cairo for doing something i don't really know with my and my brother and sisters passports ,zzzh i really hate the way i looked right now, such a fat whale fhh i'll do a yoyo diet for the next 6 days i really need to lose 7 kilograms by this weekend, i'll do some skipping ropes,jumping jacks, and stairs jog after this.

i don't really feel like typing whats inside my head,. so thats it.

xoxo

3 days .

hello there, i currently set this blog to private but i will open this to public again soon
so me and my ex who is now my lover without a status is having a rough times, i'm still trying to make him happy with all my best though cause i love him so much and he love me so much too
but i think i have to let him go..

we are going to have a 3 days break from each other he is going to go a school event and he's not allowed to bring phone, i will take those times to refresh my brain and remain my self how its like to lose him at all from my life, i will survive and he will too i hope :"(

Emeli sande - Maybe

                                                         " MAYBE "

When we first moved in together
Couldn't keep hands off each other
Now we're lying back to back
And silence in the black
We used to laugh until we cried
You would look at me and smile
Now we hardly say hello
And feelings never show

All the signs seem to say love is lost
I don't want to give up yet because

Maybe you could stay a bit longer
Or I could try a bit harder
We could make it work
But maybe, we should stop pretending
We both know we're hurting
Maybe it's time to go

We broke up last Sunday night
Keep on thinking 'bout the fight
Rest my head against the wall
Your bags are by the door
Then your key turns in the lock
I see you on the stairs and stop
Have you had a change of heart
Can we go back to the start?

But all the signs seem to say love is lost
I don't want to give up yet because

Maybe you could stay a bit longer
Or I could try a bit harder
We could make it work
But maybe, we should stop pretending
We both know we're hurting
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go go
Maybe it's time to go go
Maybe it's time to go
But I just don't know

'Cause maybe you could stay a bit longer
Or I could try a bit harder
We could make it work
But maybe, we should stop pretending
We both know we're hurting
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go
Maybe it's time to go.

this song, i don't know what should i say, did emeli sande made this for me or what  :"< even the "When we first moved in together

Couldn't keep hands off each other
Now we're lying back to back
And silence in the black
We used to laugh until we cried
You would look at me and smile
Now we hardly say hello
And feelings never show " part doesnt suit the situation now, the rest of the lyric really described  my feelings. 

shattered

16:56 pm


yesterday me and him broke up. it was frustrating, i've been depressed since a few days ago that i lost 3 kg.
good news i lost my appetite i hope i will keep losing weight,crazy i know.
before we broke up i saw he tweeted "we are not match anymore" at that point i feel someone punched my chest so hard that it hurts to breath , all i feel is pain.
so  i talked to him and he said that he can't stand to be this way, we had a few problems that keep repeating, maybe he's sick of it and he can't deal with it anymore, and so am i. its hurting both of us
so i told him to lets just break up.
then the next 5-6 hours we deep talked, weirdly our conversation is way better than before. but it really really really hurt so bad and i can't take it anymore im really tired and exhausted to constantly feel in pain
i've decided to just let go but its really hard because i know no matter how many times i told my self that i've lost the feelings that its gonna be okay, the truth is i still madly deeply unconditionally in love with him.
i don't know why people called it a broken heart while it feels like every part of me is breaking too.

after a few talk he said

"but , i don't wanna lose you. i don't want anyone else i only want you :"( "
"you know i still do really love you so much ma :( "
"but can you promise me something?"
"will you still wanna be my wife? "

damn. how am i supposed to say, how am i supposed to do, it really drive me insane :(
he keep telling me that he can't lose me that he can't let me go
so he decided to be in a un official relationship, like more than a friend less than a relationship
it hurts.
like effin hell.
but i can't say no cause my heart is still all his.
this past 2 days after we broke up he became really really nice and sweet, he keep telling me that he love me so much.
my heart is still breaking right now, i feel dead
i told him im gonna be really really busy and its gonna be really hard being with me with this unknown relationship at first he was like upset and he said "well, i don't know"
and so i said , i have let go of my sellfishness and ego, im 100% sure i want him to be happy even if his happiness is not me anymore even if being happy means without me in his life, and maybe when he find another girl who is 100 percent better than me, i will let him go, im still not sure i will be happy tho, and if he can't stand with me if its hurting him its okay to be just friend, im really sure about that cause i am strong and i will be completely happy for him, something he didnt know is that im crying really hard while typing those words.

he said, "well...its okay, you're smart i know you will pass the test and i will get tru this"
"you know ma, i just wanna be with you"

have you ever felt that muhammad ali is beating you brutally and you feel that you are dying but when you look at the mirror, you are completely fine? well thats how i feel.

i was really happy, i thanked him for loving me that much.
i'm just in a big confusion should i really continue this.. with this un labeled relationship cause even tho we love each other, he is not mine anymore and im not his anymore.
until now me and him still talks like a couple , but somehow deep inside despite the love and happy feeling, all i feel is pain,and fears and shattered heart.

i think to my self, how if oneday he will wake up and fall out of love with me and just leave me alone while im still fooly in love with him? its gonna be me alone hurting.
i act all happy to hide the pain i feel inside, i can't deal with this all anymore, i really wanna feel numb no feelings.
what should i do i really am too in love to let go but too tired to hold on.
man, im screwed. i love him i love him so much but its really really hurting me :"(
lol even now i'm still crying like a baby while typing this.

Almost

21:03 pm


today ,i almost lose the most important person in my life.
we had a huge fight well its not actually a fight cause im not mad at him and i don't make any argument and it was all cause of my fool mistakes, i should've more concerned of his feelings but i don't, and it was too late i let him down again. but how could i know when i have no clue at all, i soon realized when it was too late and he's already upset and dissapointed with me. i was down and hate my self cause i swear i swear to my dearest god that i've done my very best i've done everything that i could to make him happy, to make him proud to have me, cause i love him so much and he's the best thing i've ever had and it hurts so fucking much.  i did everything to calm him down, i said everything, no lies, and gladly cause i keep my ego to my self and stay patience i didn't lose him and i win his heart back, i couldnt feel happier than this like really, my days have been like the worst i cannot afford a huge ass pain of losing my biggest happiness.


i think next week specifically next saturday my shcools going to give my report card , fuck.
i can't stand seeing 0 in my report card..and failed.. i think im going to kill my self,..
well not really 0 but i did really freakin bad in the exam i told you i'm stupid at math and almost all the exam is basically math in the hell of different levels. im screwed.
i just can't deal with this anymore... i had tons of privates lessons but it seems not working what is wrong with me. but i can't fool my self i know its because i never make revision at home and did not study hard and lazy ass procrastinator.. damn ma. you should be studying right now, no wonder you're failing-_-
i promise to everything i love i will do better in the 2nd terms, i promise! :"D

next sunday im going to have english exam, my favorite <3 alhamdulilah i love english subject and i enjoy english exam, the only subject i put my hopes on  :"")
wish me luck who ever reading this,and thanks for wasting your precious time to read this nonsense blog of mine, i love you! :D



bonne nuit,
xoxo

Thankyou :)

15:07 pm

dear izzatun, thankyou for (this) awesome post, it really do made my day A little brighter , you know.. i just feel a person like me don't deserve a person like you, i'm sorry you really should not love me that much even though i wanted it so bad cause you are after all one of my bestest friend, Zillion thanks for always trying that hard to make me happy, to be an important part of my screwed up life , like seriously thankyou so damn much i really really appreciate it :)

I'm sorry, for the stresses and worries ,and for the insecurity or self hate you have sometimes, you really shouldnt feel that way, you're blessed :)
and i swear to all i believe in that you are really beautiful and talented. be thankful cause you have almost all i ever wanted in life.

have a nice day
love,

HAPPY (LATE) NEW YEAR!

19:05 pm

i'll make this quick cause im in a rush right now its probably 10 minutes till my private teacher come 

,my new year eve was lame like seriously even my grandpa's funeral was way more something than this. can you imagine? exactly.

life has been A big piece of shit. depression and insecurity eat me alive,everday.

i think i failed at algebra exam, cause you know i'm stupid at math or numbers or subject that contains large numbers and rules.

it is the first time in my life i did not answer a single fucking question with my brain, i was so hopeless that i stared at my question page for 45 minutes and didnt now any single thing. like "dafuqisthisfuckery"

in france exam, i cried lol.

yea life is kind of fucking hard like really. i'd feel happy to jump of a clif and die and be free but i can't cause i'll go instantly to hell.

i lost all my optimis power and spirits. the only happy moment i get is when i talked to denny, my love.

he's the only legit reason i've survived this far, god thankyou for such a blessing :"), and i eat like a pig like every single food in the kitchen,make sense i gain weight but thats okay i'll loose it all on the upcoming holiday inshaAllah*cheers*, and i feel homesick..i miss my besties, afifah nuha dania like seriously so bad :"((((((((, the exam will end on 20th january, hope i'll make it good :""")

but hey, they said its just a bad day, not a bad life, right?? well lets see, i'm still leaning to His side though i know god will never give me something i can't handle, i trust Him

bonne nuit peeps,

xoxo